Assistant Manager Kim Hates Idols
SS Chapter 52: Flight (1)
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TL: FoodieMonster007
For the first time in a while, I spread a blanket in the living room to sleep next to Park Joowoo. I suggested it because I felt bad seeing his puffy face. Far from refusing, Park Joowoo brought out his entire bedding set.
"Look at your swollen eyes. What are we going to do? This is such an important time, right before your overseas debut."
"I don't know…"
Park Joowoo sniffled and pulled the blanket over himself. His face was as red as a decorated confection. I felt I should praise him for not crying during the radio show.
Screw it, I don't know.
Feeling half helpless and half defiant, I also lay on the blanket. What can I do if there's nothing I can do? The fluorescent light was off. Only a soft orange glow from the mood lamp drifted across the ceiling.
"…Hey."
After I stared into space for a while, Park Joowoo spoke to me.
"What should you do if you feel like a person isn't making any progress?"
"Who isn't making progress?"
"Me."
"You?"
I couldn't believe my ears. I turned to my side in shock, but Park Joowoo himself was calm. He blinked slowly and stared stiffly at the ceiling.
"I… I thought I had overcome everything. The past, and everything else."
"……"
"But I was wrong."
I could tell just by seeing Park Joowoo waver. He was a guy who rarely showed much emotion and had followed my advice for years to maintain his composure on camera. No matter how quickly he composed his expression, he couldn't hide his bewilderment from breaking through the low-quality Visible Radio screen.
"I was so scared…"
He seemed disappointed in himself for that. The end of his voice trembled before scattering like smoke.
"So I feel a little empty. I guess I'm still not good enough to be like the hyungs."
"……"
"I thought I'd shaken it all off. I wanted to do what I could, just like Seongbin and the other members."
The tip of Park Joowoo's nose turned red.
Everyone knew how much courage Park Joowoo had mustered. Deciding to step outside the fence that gave him emotional stability wasn't easy. It must have been so difficult to make that hard decision and start preparing on his own, without the members knowing.
"Was it still too soon?"
His self-deprecating words didn't sit well with me. I knew the feeling of getting lost right when you believe things can get better. It was like how I misunderstood that death was the only outcome as long as I couldn't stop the synchronization rate from rising, even when I thought I had found a breakthrough.
I thought I could get better and held on until the end, but when I felt there was no hope, I became empty. It seemed like the only thing I could do was run away from the problem.
The feeling of every path forward being blocked, a suffocating darkness with no visible future, the indescribable sense of loss when it all hits at once. The words coming from Park Joowoo's mouth sounded just like my own back when I did nothing but lie in my studio apartment bed after leaving spArk.
"That's how trauma is."
"…Really? All of it?"
"Of course. It's only natural that it takes time."
After my sister passed away, a long time went by. I lived thinking the fear of death inside me had slowly faded. The sadness seemed to blur, like words in the sand washed away by waves. After all, I returned to work after the funeral and often chatted and smiled with my colleagues.
Then, the moment my heart broke, I headed for the Han River. When the fear that I might lose someone close to me again struck, I lost my mind and hit rock bottom. When I sensed that I could never see my sister again, that it was truly goodbye, I lost all will to live.
But I was definitely getting a little better with every moment. After my sister's death, I went from refusing all food and drink to eating again, wanting to live. I acknowledged the new relationships I had formed and sometimes even relied on them. I felt that I wanted to live. I tried not to die.
Even while getting better, you sometimes end up on your knees because the wound is deep. It would be nice if you could heal in an instant, but life doesn't always flow so smoothly.
The pain Park Joowoo experienced was by no means light. Childhood trauma shakes a person's entire life. A single event can affect the decades that follow. For someone who had struggled so long, sufficient stability and opportunity were necessary for a full recovery.
"Joowoo, you're constantly getting better."
And the conviction that he was improving.
"Remember? Back when we were trainees, you used to use formal language with your aunt."
"I did… didn't I."
"But these days, you speak to her informally, right?"
I heard it when we all went to his aunt's house and chatted with her and his uncle under the moonlight. When Park Joowoo was young, he used informal language, but at some point, he started using formal language. They said it was around that time that Park Joowoo started visiting home less often.
"That's because your uncomfortable feelings have been resolved, right?"
"……"
"You also let the younger members wash your blankets. Before, you would always try to do it yourself if you could."
He might feel like he's running in place, but Park Joowoo has changed a lot. The guy who only ever used a pure white cotton blanket started hanging around the members as they browsed a shopping mall for new blankets, and he ended up picking a light gray cooling blanket. The guy who never had any interest in other people's food asked for a bite of a spicy cup ramen. Not all these small challenges suited his taste, but Park Joowoo didn't stop trying.
How much must he have agonized before accepting the overseas offer? This was the same guy who had adamantly refused solo activities, saying he hated being alone. How many times must he have asked himself if he could do it before making that decision? The time spent worrying about a solution is never enjoyable, only painful. How much must he have doubted himself, thinking, Can I do this?
"Tomorrow will be better. The day after tomorrow, you can be much better."
I declared with confidence. Park Joowoo turned his head to look at me.
"So believe in yourself."
When I gave him a bright smile, he smiled back. I felt drowsy, like I could fall asleep.
A short while ago, Lee Cheonghyeon discovered Kim Iwol coming out of his room carrying a blanket.
"Iwol-hyung, are you sleeping in the living room?"
"Yeah. I'm going to sleep with Joowoo."
That meant Choi Jeho would be sleeping alone in the hyungs' room. After a moment of thought, Lee Cheonghyeon asked.
"Then can I sleep in your spot today, hyung?"
"Sure. Choi Jeho won't refuse, but you should ask him."
"Of course I'll ask!"
As expected, Choi Jeho told him to do as he pleased. Lee Cheonghyeon said goodnight to his roommate, Kang Kiyeon, then entered the hyungs' room with his pillow and blanket.
"Should I lie down by the wall?"
"Wherever is comfortable."
"Aww, I should use the spot the owner uses!"
"Whatever… I don't care."
Despite his hyung's stiff consideration, Lee Cheonghyeon placed his pillow on the empty spot and lay down.
"Did Kim Iwol and Park Joowoo get their blankets all spread out?"
"Yup. They're going to sleep now."
"Mhmm."
After hearing about the living room, Choi Jeho took off his glasses. He placed his phone and glasses on the bedside table and laid his head on the pillow.
Lee Cheonghyeon opened his eyes. The room, once lit by a mood lamp, was now completely dark.
"Did you turn off the mood lamp?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"You can't sleep well with the light on."
"I sleep just fine!"
"Says the one who pulls the blanket over his head."
Even though it had been a while since they shared a room, Choi Jeho remembered Lee Cheonghyeon's habit. Lee Cheonghyeon belatedly realized that Choi Jeho had always placed the mushroom-shaped mood lamp, which Kim Iwol loathed, in the living room. The lamp had been there even before the light-sensitive Kim Iwol arrived, meaning its placement had been for Lee Cheonghyeon's sake.
Lee Cheonghyeon felt a little gloomy. He had come to this room for a specific reason, but his heart only grew heavier.
"I came here because I have something to say to you, hyung."
"Say it," Choi Jeho said dryly. He already sounded half-asleep. If Kim Iwol had been there, he would have scolded him, asking what was with his way of speaking and telling him to be kinder to the younger members.
He wasn't upset. He had realized a while ago that Choi Jeho's nonchalant tone hid many things. Lee Cheonghyeon had come to talk about just that. He was here to apologize for misunderstanding Choi Jeho, even though he had known for a long time what kind of person Choi Jeho was.
"When Iwol-hyung got into that car accident, I said a lot of harsh things to you, hyung. I was angry, saying mean things like why you didn't discuss it with us."
"You apologized later."
"Yeah. I said I was sorry for getting angry, but I feel like I need to say something more important."
The memory of that time was still vivid for Lee Cheonghyeon. It was the day his pent-up worries exploded, and he poured all sorts of emotions onto Choi Jeho.
Lee Cheonghyeon had felt both betrayal and disappointment toward Choi Jeho, thinking, Are we that unreliable? Then, when Kim Iwol's problem truly erupted, his accumulated worry turned into arrows of blame aimed at Choi Jeho.
The hidden meaning behind Lee Cheonghyeon's urging was clear. If you had just opened up and discussed it with us sooner, things might not have gotten this big. You said so many times that it was good for us to be together. I'm telling you we can't pretend not to know anymore and should stop, so why do you keep telling us to wait?
So Lee Cheonghyeon told Choi Jeho what he had been keeping inside. He suggested they open up and share the burden, saying it seemed too heavy for Choi Jeho to carry alone just because they were the same age, but Choi Jeho refused. He asked Lee Cheonghyeon to consider Kim Iwol's position and said he would try talking to him one more time.
Finally, when Kim Iwol stormed out of the dorm for good, something inside Lee Cheonghyeon snapped. In that moment, a great many words swirled in his mouth.
Why on earth couldn't you stop him? If it was going to be like this, why did you stop me? What are you going to do now? He thought he had 'endured' by not saying those things. Lee Cheonghyeon had been on the verge of exploding.
And today, Lee Cheonghyeon learned the truth Choi Jeho had been hiding from the younger members. It was too heavy a matter to thrust upon them. With Park Joowoo who had lost family and Kim Iwol, what could he say to Jeong Seongbin, who had grown up as he did, or Kang Kiyeon, who had overcome his own difficulties? Even if Choi Jeho had kindly said, 'Kim Iwol tried to kill himself,' what on earth could Lee Cheonghyeon have said in response?
He could get angry because he didn't know. He had assumed Kim Iwol's pain was something within the scope of his own imagination. He thought that if Choi Jeho confessed honestly, the members could handle the weight. That was why he had acted that way, but Choi Jeho, who knew everything, couldn't bring himself to open his mouth.
"When I apologized to you, hyung, it was for 'acting like I was blaming you when it wasn't your fault.' But there was a different part I really needed to apologize for."
Lee Cheonghyeon finally managed to speak.
"You couldn't say it, something like this. If we knew that Iwol-hyung had done something like that, we would have been much more anxious until we found him. You didn't want that, did you, hyung?"
"……"
"We just thought, 'Ah, it must be harder for him because it's his friend's business.' We had no idea what was going through your mind when you said you couldn't come to the hospital."
There was nothing more foolish than this. He belatedly realized that even when experiencing the same thing, the weight one feels can be different.
"I'm sorry for making assumptions about your struggles."
Once he realized that the inner meaning of Choi Jeho's 'I have nothing to say' was actually 'There is nothing I can say,' Lee Cheonghyeon knew he had to apologize. He had to say that the past events weren't Choi Jeho's fault for being complacent and that he was sorry for rashly pushing him.
"It's true you were frustrating, but so what. I've also gotten angry at Kim Iwol, asking him why he was being like that. We're both the same."
"You did, hyung? When?"
"Before."
"Before? When you hyungs had that huge fight and went to Gwangju?"
"You're really quick on the uptake."
Choi Jeho let out a short laugh. Lee Cheonghyeon easily understood the implication. It's not something I can't understand, so there's no need to apologize.
"It's late. Go to sleep."
Choi Jeho was still blunt. He was a truly consistent person, consistently dry and consistently good to his own people. Lee Cheonghyeon tried to sleep next to this boring hyung who had a knack for making people feel stifled.